May 2

Tonight the final five will perform two songs: one from the year they were born and one from the top ten of any of this week's Billboard charts. Let's get it on!

Elliott sings George Benson's "Broadway" (1978). Elliott's right arm is going crazy, it's distracting. Stop it, Elliott's right arm! As for the rest of Elliott, the vibrato is in full force and this is his typical performance of a song that has all kinds of twists and turns that never goes anywhere. It's boring. Randy & Paula like it, but Simon thinks he's lucky he has another performance tonight. So do I. A 5.

Paris is going to sing "Kiss" by Prince (1988). Really? Oh wow. This could be incredible. Hopefully incredibly good, like the Tom Jones version. She changes "girl" to "boy" in the song, which is just lame. But other than that, she's really a little fantastic. She rocks out at the end of the song. I love her. Randy & Paula damn her with faint praise. Paula actually complains that she's not singing old songs. Hey, the damn show is making her sing a song from 1988 you drunken fool. Simon thought it was "screechy & annoying". Simon is either trying to sacrifice Paris to Katharine OR he's trying to scare her fanbase. I'm giving Paris a 9. Go, Paris, Go!

Chris sings 1979's "Renegade". Chris gets backup singers. He's got a bit more of the goat throat tonight, but it's still pretty good. I know Chris is getting pimped to death by the show, but he really is good. He wouldn't be an undeserving winner. Randy loves him. Paula loves him. Simon really, really loves him. I still like Paris better, so I'm giving Chris an 7.

Ryan tastelessly brings up Katharine's wardrobe malfunction last week. Kat assures us she's strapped in this week as she steps up to sing "Against All Odds" (1984). She starts with a terrible first note. Wow, I used to play this song on my flute and I was about 1,000 times better than Kat. She's off key or flat or pitchy or something. Whatever it is, it ain't good. This is a Pickleresque performance. The best Randy can sing is that it was "okay". Both Randy & Paula compliment her outfit. That's not a good sign. I think it was just terrible. I give her a 2.

Word up, Soul Patrol. Their man, Taylor, hits the stage to sing 1976's "Play That Funky Music, White Boy". Oh yeah, bring that Wild Cherry! I think this song is Taylor's f*ck you to the Idol producers. He's singing it defiantly, which adds a whole new dimension to the song. I really like it and so does the crowd. Randy & Paula like it, but Simon has no clue what to make of it. He thinks it's a "horrible wedding performance". No, that's not horrible. The woman who karaoked "Baby Got Back" at the wedding I was at last summer was horrible. This was actually pretty great. I'm giving it an 8.

We're halfway through and I'd just like to compliment Paris, Taylor and Chris for choosing entertaining songs. It's about frickin' time. It's also time for the annual American Idol CD. Pre-order yours now. How do you like that commercial break?

Elliott's back to sing Michael Buble's "Home". I don't like Michael Buble. He's too showy. I kind of like Elliott's more heartfelt take on the song. But should he really be singing a song about "coming back home" now? He's really tempting us to vote him off the show, isn't he? The judges like this one better and so do I, but Simon is a little worried about him. So am I. I'm going to give him an 8, but he needed a 9.

Cute little Paris is going to sing Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You". I can't understand a word that she's singing, which ticks me off. However, I absolutely adore her ultra-cool silver and camo outfit. God, I sound like Paula. I don't get this song at all, but Paris is really awesome. She has suddenly figured out how to convey the emotion of a song. "Princess P" gets an 9.

Chris performs "I Dare You". I've never heard of this song. It's so "Chris" that it might as well be on his first CD. Chris is as good as ever, but I've just realized that hearing two Chris songs in an hour is one Chris song too many. I'm already bored with him. The judges didn't really like it either and they think his voice is going to go out on him. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. It's just a 5.

Chris' partner in pimp, Katharine sings K.T. Tunstall's "Black Horse & Cherry Tree". She sings the whole song on her knees (once again, how Pickleresque) and while that's a nice novelty, wtf? Her second performance is better than her first, but I still don't know what to make of Katharine. Is she a barefoot hippie or a siren song diva? I'd be more interested in her if she's the former. In any case, it's a 7.

Closing out the show, it's Vote For The Worst's Taylor. Taylor cheats and sings "Something" from the Beatles (it's on some obscure "catalog" Billboard chart). This might be my favorite Beatle song, as I'm partial to the gooey, schmaltzy George Harrison songs. Taylor's version is more like a Joe Cocker cover, which just strips all the romance out of it. I absolutely hate it. Objectively, it's probably not that bad, but he just ruined one of my all-time favorites. Jerk. The judges kind of like it. I don't. It's a 3.

My cumulative rankings for the evening:

1. Paris
2. Elliott
3. Chris
4. Taylor
5. Katharine

My guess is that Paris goes tomorrow anyway.

April 26

This week we have a guest recap by Kris. Randy said "this recap is a hot one tonight!" Paula said "who cares how it reads, you look beautiful." Simon says "That's the kind of recap I'd expect to see in a hotel recap-lounge!" Ken says: 10/10!

Tonight the final six will tackle some of the greatest love songs of all time. Andrea Bocelli and David Foster will attempt to coach the Idols so they won't suck so much. Good luck with that.

First we meet Andrea Bocelli. He's from Tuscany. It's a beautiful place, but don't even think about trying to get a place there. Bocelli seems like a cool guy and good singer, although the only thing I know about opera is that Turandot is a little bitch.

First up is Katharine. Now, just let me get this out. Katharine is a beautiful woman, but the Idol stylists have no idea how to dress her. They've got her in a yellow dress that instead of hugging her curves, pinches them unattractively in some places and skims over them in others. It's a mess. Luckily, Katharine does a much better job of singing Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing". I don't like this type of music at all, but what I like about this performance is that Kat is able to capture the song's passion.

The men in the audience no doubt enjoy Kat's near wardrobe malfunction as the buttons on the bottom of her dress bust out at the end of the song. The judges don't like her tonight. Simon says that singing a Whitney Houston song is like saying you're better than Whitney. What bunk. So what, the Idols are only supposed to sing songs by crappy singers? I feel like Katharine is being thrown under the bus here. It wasn't her best, but it's not as bad as the judges say. It's a 5.

The ever-charming Elliott hits the stage to sing "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway. We know it's by Donny Hathaway because Ryan, Elliott, Andrea Bocelli and David Foster repeat the name Donny Hathaway about 100 times. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that 19E owns the Donny Hathaway catalog.

Anyway, I don't know why Elliott insists on singing these ultra-affected songs. Early rumors had him singing Elvis Costello's "Alison" tonight. That would have been, for lack of a better word, dreamy. This is just kind of boring. The song has all these vocal twists and turns and maybe that's fun for the singer, but it just makes it hard for to get into it. The judges, on the other hand, frickin' love him. Paula is literally sobbing at the end. The hell? I just give it a 5, although I have to say that I find Elliott more attractive every week. What's wrong with me?

Pickler sings "Unchained Melody" and David Foster gives a hilarious stink face when he first hears her sing. Bwah! Sadly, this isn't the last stink face of Kellie's night. She carves up another song, messing up the timing and showing off the fact that she has absolutely no range. The judges are merciless. Have they come to their senses about Pickler, or are they trying to motivate her rabid fan base? This was a truly awful performance. I give it a .5. That's right-point.

Darling Paris has decided to sing "The Way We Were". She thinks she's too young to sing a real love song. But she's not too young to sing Babs? How does that make any sense. As always, I get chills when Paris sings. Her voices never fails to touch me. But, even so, I can't say this is a good performance. It's just boring. I think Paris is great, but she's great for single moments or in very specific songs. This isn't one of them. Another 5 on what is turning out to be a very mediocre night.

It takes a brave man to wear a black velvet suit. It takes an even braver man to wear a black velvet suit when he has gobs of gray hair. Taylor is a brave man. He sings "Just Once" and wussifies it beyond belief. Hey, instead of "wussify", can I just say "Aceify" from now on? Seriously, Taylor turned into Ace tonight. He's all wobbly and wussy and oh so not fun. The judges agree. I've said it once and I'll say it again. When Taylor has fun, we have fun. We he doesn't, well, you can guess the rest. Tonight Taylor just gets a 4.

Ending the evening is the very dapper Chris. David Foster thinks Chris sings more with his throat than with his chest and so he makes him sing laying down. Wouldn't it have been funny if Chris started his performance that way? Alas, instead he stands between two guitar players and sings a very good version of Bryan Adams' "Have You Really Ever Loved A Woman". Chris tones down the vibrato but doesn't abandon his rocker roots. He sings beautifully, but he's able to convey the power and strength behind the quiet love song. It's the performance of the night, easily. Chris gets an 8.

My rankings:
1. Chris
2. Katharine
3. Elliott
4. Paris
5. Taylor
6. Pickler

I predict that Elliott, Katharine and Paris will make the bottom 3, with Paris going home tomorrow

April 20
Sayonara, Ace my man. You can't say it came as a shock.

April 19

Last night's show featured selections from Rod Stewart's American Songbook collection. The Idols will tackle the standards we all know by heart (hey, how about Jimmy Buffett night one of these years?). I have a confession. I kind of love Rod Stewart. I love that he actually was a grave digger before he was a star. I love that he had the balls to sing "Do You Think I'm Sexy?". Anyway, Rod is great, he's married to some young hottie and he has the world's cutest baby boy. Rod Stewart: life is good.

Chris starts the night off with "What A Wonderful World". Not to be sacraligeous, but I'm not a big fan of the song. To his credit, Chris dials down the vibrato and sings it straight. It's nice. I like to be reminded that Chris is a good singer, not just a "rocker". My only wish is that he would have rocked out the last note and just given a little wink to the fans that this wasn't the birth of Wussy Chris or something like that. A solid 7.

Paris, dressed like she's interviewing to be the summer intern in an office near you, is next up with "These Foolish Things". Paris was born to sing songs like this. She may come across as an un-self-aware teen, but she has an old soul. I don't love this type of music, but I love to listen to Paris sing it. She's near note perfect. An 8.

Taylor sings Sam Cooke's "You Send Me". I'm torn about this performance. The start is absolutely boring but right near the end Taylor kicks it in, rocks out, and has fun. When Taylor has fun, we have fun. That's the secret to his appeal. First half of the performance: 5. Second half: 10.

Elliott is smart to choose a well known song like "It Had To Be You". I love Elliott and I wanted to vote for him last night, but the sad fact is that this isn't his best performance. It's just a little tepid. Elliott is so close to letting loose on stage and doing something fantastic, but not yet. He's still a little too guarded and while he's technically great, he hasn't put his heart and soul into a song yet. Another 7.

Pickler sings "Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered". In case we forget her appeal, the camera lovingly pans her body throughout the performance. Yes, she's blonde and has a nice body. However, last night her singing was the musical equivalent of a wet rag. She's limp and hits a slew of bad notes. At the end, she's clever enough to be self-deprecating, but she still sucked. A 3, and I think I'm being generous.

Ace goes all Sampson on us and pulls his lovely hair back for his performance of "That's All". And that's all indeed as Ace is just bad enough to guarantee his departure. His falsetto is still gorgeous, but American Idols cannot live by the falsetto alone. I give it a 4.

Katharine closes the show with "Someone To Watch Over Me". She's beautiful and has a lovely voice, but her performances are boring. I'm sick to death of her singing torch song after torch song. If I'm ever going to vote for Katharine I need to see a different side of her (and no, dirty-minded director, that doesn't mean you need to break out the Ass-Cam). Like Chris and Elliott, Katharine gets a 7.

My rankings:

1. Paris
2. Taylor
3. Chris
4. Katharine
5. Elliott
6. Ace
7. Pickler

I predict (with a little help from Dial Idol) that Chris, Ace & Paris will make up the bottom 3, with Ace finally saying so long.

April 12

Seacrest starts the show by asking "Can anyone match up to Freddie Mercury" as if it's NOT a rhetorical question. Earth to Seacrest: the answer is NO! This has to be the most terrible theme night in the history of the show. What's up next, Rush?

Bucky has a new haircut and up first to show it off. Regular readers may recall that I have Bucky an A- for his performance last week - I don't know if that's because Bucky is getting better or if it's because everyone else was so terrible. I suppose we'll find out as Bucky comes on stage to doing "Fat Bottomed Girls." I can't believe I'm going to say thing, but this isn't bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I think this is a good performance. Easily his best yet. It's even better than good. Paula and Randy call it good, Simon calls it just mediocre. I'm gonna give it an A-.

Ace comes on next sporting the haircut as Bucky, and they show a clip of Ace explaining to Brian May how he wants them to play the song. "Uhhh, I don't think we're gonna do your arrangement." Nice going Ace. As if your limp looking handshake with him wasn't enough, you've embarassed yourself even further. Ace then proceeds to gay up "We Will Rock You," using every weapon in his arsenal - leather pants, fancy strutting, female backup singers, a different arrangement, falsetto, and ... oh god, just make it stop. Randy gives it a 5 or 6. "I didn't get it." You're not the only one dog. Simon says "I think Randy was just being generous." And Randy agrees! Simon: "It was like We Will Rock You Gently. I hated it." I agree. Bye Bye Ace. Thanks for coming on Idol. F.

Pickler comes on next and wastes no time bringing up her dad as she explains why she chose Bohemian Rhapsody. She stands decked out in leather and 8 inch heels while she proceeds to mangle the song. Predictably. Oh, there's no way that this mess isn't making my bottom three of the week. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon said it was good. Simon: looked bad on paper. Pickler: "Whaaa On paper? He has the weirdest terminology! haha!" "I don't have an accent!" Gag. Wink. D-.

Chris doing "Innuendo," a song that Queen had never performed live. Up until now, the band has seemed less than thrilled with each of the contestants. Brian May says, of Chris, "Chris is great. I was warned - my daughter says he's awesome. He is. [] Fabulous." I guess we know who has Queen's vote, huh? Randy tries to fake Chris out with "I was expecting big things from you tonight ... (hangs head, shakes...) ... and you DELIVERED!" Paula basically says that Chris is better than Queen and most other bands. Simon says best vocal, but that the song was too indulgent. I give an A. Best of the night so far.

Katharine does "Who wants to Live Forever" instead of her original choice, because she wanted it to be simple, so she could just stand there. Hmm. I think that's a bad approach - while that may appeal to those infected with the McPheever, it's not going to impress anyone else when surrounded by a bunch of up-tempo songs. The performance isn't bad, but she's oversinging it. Good to better than good vocals, but not phantastic. Dog said good job all in all, Paula says great job, Simon says that it was "almost the moment." I suppose I'd give it a B.

Elliott sings "Somebody in Love," a song he'd never heard before this week. Hm, I'm not sure I've ever heard it either. Oh, wait, I know this song. Elliott's performance is ok. Randy loved it. Paula says "best vocal of the night." Simon says that he probably pulled it off. I give it a B+.

Taylor starts out planning to do "We are the Champions" but then changes to "Crazy little thing called love." Good call, I think. He tries to kick over the mic stand but misses*. (*one "hardcore" fan writes in to tell me that Taylor didn't miss the mic stand, that he hit it but it slid instead of falling over. I checked the tape - he's right!) Hah! Good vocals. Great Performance, even with the kick-whiff. Randy and Paula love it. Simon thought it was "ridiculous" and asks Taylor if he's drunk. A- from me.

Paris closes the show with "the show much come on." Brian: "the thing about Paris is that she's DAMN good. I like everything about Paris." More high praise from a legendary performer. Paris delivers and excellent performance with excellent vocals. Also dressed in all black, I think it's safe to say that Paris was everything that Pickler tried (and failed) to be. Gotta give this one an A.

Best:
Chris
Paris
Bucky

Worst:
Ace
Pickler

April 5

DialIdol's prediction of Paris, Elliot, and Mandisa in the bottom three is proven 100% correct. Mandisa is sent home.

April 4

As Seacrest takes the stage we see just how a Barbasol strike would ravage the nation. What, get up late or something Ryan? Kenny Rogers is on hand to help the AI kids discover their country roots, and to serve as a visual reminder to them that if you're going to be on TV, you should spend at least a few minutes with a stylist.

Taylor is up first doing "Country Roads Take Me Home," but for some reason he keeps singing "road" not "roads." What, he thinks there's only ONE country road, and that it runs from wherever he happens to be back to his house? The judges don't love it, and Paula gives perhaps the most negative comment of her Idol career by saying that she "expected a little more." I give it a D+. Learn the words next time, milkman.

Back from commercial, some woman in the audience yells out "I love you Ryan!" Seacrest asks "what?", and the Dog helps out by relaying "She loves you Ryan." Everyone knows that he was referring to the woman in the crowd. Well, everyone except for Space Cadet Abdul who defensively responds "I DO NOT!" Yay, drunk Paula is back!

Wearing the blue jeans that the public universally agrees she should never again don, Mandissa does "Any Man of Mine" and actually sings the lyric "when last year's dress is just a little too tight" in a serious tone. I don't know what voice she thinks she's using, but it sounds as if Mikayla Gordon is hiding in there somewhere. And she messes up the refain and sings OVER her backup singers. Terrible. Just terrible. F.

WHOA, BONUS - While the crowd is cheering, you can actually hear the judges bitching and moaning about the song. A disgusted Simon can be heard saying "WHAT. THE. HELL. ?" Love it!

Kenny Rogers tells Elliot to not sing so many licks during "If tomorrow never comes," and Elliot completely ignores that advice. Mistake. Bad song choice. Bad performance. Elliot, with your voice you'd have been better off doing "She Believes in Me." You've got Kenny right there! Randy calls it "hot," Paula uses her standard "breath of fresh air" line, and Simon says it was OK. I think it was bad. D+.

Paris does "How Do I Live Without You," or, more precisely "how do i leeeiive without you." Paris also screws up the words, singing "love" instead of "life." How can you NOT know the words to a song? Didn't anyone practice this week? Randy and Paula dislike it. Simon called it "very good." Hmm, maybe this is the April Fool's edition? D.

Ace does a song that has something to do with wanting to cry. Gee, what a shock. He even works his falsetto in, probably because he's noticed that he gets sent to the bottom 3 when he doesn't do it. Drunk Paula stumbles over the word "signature" for a while, and Randy even makes fun of her for it. Not my thing, but I give it a B.

AI exercises Pickler damage control by having Ryan step out of the show format ask her about the charges that she's a big fat faker. She gets more camera time than any other contestant on the show to answer "In all honesty I had never heard of Calimari. I thought you pronounced the 'L in salmon." When Pickler starts out with "In all honesty," get your high waders on, folks. El Fake-o tells Kenny that it's "so good to hear a familiar accent." Guess she's not on speaking terms with Bucky, Taylor, or any of the other southern contestants, huh? She does "Fancy" which gives her a chance to play her poor hick routine. Substandard singing, poor stage presence. Randy liked it, Paula said she liked it then shot Kellie a look of death when she thanked her. I guess the Paula pickle gossip was true. C.

Don't Pick Pickler, Kick Pickler!

In his first performance not using a Creed/Live/Fuel voice, Chris does an OK job of singing whatever it is he's singing. Simon says it was boring, and that the audience at home deserves better. True Dat - betcha $10 he's a reader. B.

McPhee does "Bringing out the Elvis in Me." Smart song choice. Best performance of the night. Which really isn't saying a lot. B+.

Bucky comes out and does "Best I Ever Had" by Gary Allan. And it's actually pretty good. Bucky, I don't know if it's that this is your genre, or if it's because everyone else was so terrible, but you've officially earned the best grade in the class. A-.

Best:
Bucky
McPhee

Worst:
Mandissa
Taylor
Paris

Voted Off: Can't we vote them all off? Here's an idea -- NO ONE call in. If they all get zero votes, they all go home, right?

Comment on this recap here

March 28

Oh oh stereo, video, sci-fi sex let's go go go - let's go. 10 Left for the 21st Century extravaganza! Who will stay? Who will go? Will this be the week that America finally stops Covaising Lisa? We shall find out.

Lisa is up first with doing a Kelly Clarkson song. OK, I have to be honest - I think this is probably Lisa's best performance yet, and the crowd seems to like it. Unfortunately for Lisa, the judges disagree. Vehemently. Randy says it was just "all right" for him. Paula says the song was a poor choice. Simon says that the song was just "too big" for her, and that there were parts that were "actually painful." I dunno, judges- I think you're overdoing it. It wasn't that bad. Sorry judges - B+.

Venus ramp, sexy tramp Hickler is up next doing a song called "Suds in a Bucket." Wow, she doesn't play dumb in the pre-song interview. She doesn't have the makeup gun set to whore this week, either. Whoa, but it's painful when she tries to hit the high notes. The judges criticize the song. Not her, the song. Hey, whatever judges. At least she toned it down this week. I wonder if she was made aware of the growing backlash against her? C.

Ace sets out to feminize "Drops of Jupiter" this week, wasting no time by running his hand through his hair as he sings they lyrics "in her hair." Gag. Ace, you make Nathan Lane look straight. Oh my, now he's exposing a scar on his chest as he sings a lyric about a "scar." Hell, Ace, you make Tom Cruise look straight. The judges don't like it, and Paula says that even though she dislikes it, "it's refreshing after the last 2 performances." Ouch! And she asks about his scar. GAG. Ace, you fail. Freako psycho horror show. F.

Taylor explains the meaning of "Soul Patrol" and tells us that he's doing "Trouble" because he's looking to show off a great vocal range. I dunno, I'm not really hearing the promised range-showcase. Randy doesn't like it. Taylor says that he wanted to "sing a song tonight, as opposed to [scream?]." Simon quite liked it. I didn't think it was that great. Hopefully for T, the Soul Patrol Vegas vamps like better than I did. B.

Mandissa is doing "Shackles," a testimonial. Wow, it's like my tv accidentally got switched to EWTN or something. "I JUST WANT TO PRAISE YOU!!!" belts Mandissa. Hey, it was a good performance. Good vocal. Randy didn't love it or the song choice, and the crowd loudly disagrees. Paula makes some half-clever comment about "The Church of Mandissa." Wow, I think Paula is sober this week. Welcome to the wagon, Honey. Simon thought it was "a bit indulgent. Not for me." I'm gonna give her an A-.

Chris comes out campaigning hard for the job of Live lead singer by having Seacrest tell us that he "worships" them. Chris tells us that he's doing a Creed song. It's pretty heavy for Idol. And you know, while it's good, I don't think it's excellent. Randy didn't love it, Paula makes it clear that she wants to have an affair with Chris, and Simon thinks that Chris "stepped over the line" with that song. "Creed wouldn't be caught dead on this show. This is American Idol!" Good point. B+.

McPhee is doing Christina Aguilera. And it's terrible. TERRIBLE! Poor song choice. Poor vocal. Oh, McPhee, you're trying to live a life that's completely free. You should stick to Jazz/Blues. Randy liked the song choice, but didn't love the performance. Paula thought it was her "best." Hey, I want drunk Paula back! Simon says it was the best tonight, but doesn't look enthused. C- from me, McPhee.

Bucky is gonna do some Tim McGraw, because he "flat out like[s] it." He comes out dressed like Tim McGraw, but sounds nothing like Tim McGraw. Sub-par performance. He's not even really singing, he's ... growling the lyrics or something. Randy liked the song choice. Paula had nothing drunk-sounding to say, but she tells him to watch his "diction." Simon says its OK. I think Bucky's going home, kids. D+.

Paris is doing Beyonce's "Work it Out." She's dressed the part, and she's dancing the part. This is really not my style of music, and the song + performance are both probably a bit inappropriate for the show, IMHO. Randy thinks it was the bomb, best of the night. Paula thinks it was awesome. Simon calls it precocious, like a little girl trying to be Beyonce. I'm not even sure how to rate this one - so I'll go with... C-?

Elliot is doing a Gavin DeGraw song that Bo Bice did last year, but he wants to switch it up with a soul vibe. And wow, it sounds like terrible, terrible karaoke. What is this dancing he's trying to do? Wow. Scary. Though Paula can't stop screaming for him, and Randy is very impressed. Paula needs to shut up. Simon has a mixed review.

Most everyone sucked tonight. I'm having a hard time both coming up with 3 for my "best" list and limiting it to three for my "worst" list.

Best:
Mandissa
Lisa
Chris

Worst:
Ace
Bucky
Paris

Predicted Departure: Bucky.

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